


You Made Me Need You

by Davelle



Category: Fear the Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Come as Lube, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Grinding, Hand Jobs, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Not Madison Friendly, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Possessive Behavior, Sexual Tension, slow build but worth the wait
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-05-23
Packaged: 2019-04-29 07:57:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14468328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Davelle/pseuds/Davelle
Summary: "Nick stood with his finger on the switch, watching as his mother and sister made their escape on the Kodiak. Nick had the thought he should feel something more as they grew smaller and smaller in his view, but it seemed his emotions had abandoned him here in his last moments. That’s good, no fear or lingering sentimentality was left to hold him here and he wouldn’t hesitate then when the actual moment arrived."Nick is broken after watching his mother kill Troy as he stood by and did nothing. He's ready to die himself in atonement. But fate steps in and throws him a lifeline. Maybe there's hope left in the dead world yet.





	1. Surviving the Impossible

**Author's Note:**

> First Trick fic. Hope you like it.  
> No beta, my mistakes are my own. :)

Nick stood with his finger on the switch watching as his mother and sister made their escape on the Kodiak. Nick had the thought he should feel something more as they grew smaller and smaller in his view, but it seemed his emotions had abandoned him here in his last moments. That’s good, no fear or lingering sentimentality was left to hold him here and he wouldn’t hesitate then when the actual moment arrived.

Nick continued to stare as he watched the blonde hair of his mother whipping in the wind as she made the desperate attempt to escape with Alicia. Nick used to believe his mother’s obsession with keeping Alicia and himself safe was all motherly instinct, he now knew better. It stemmed from an innate self-preservation ingrained in her. By using them as an excuse to do whatever she felt was necessary to stay safe she was kept safe by proxy. Madison, as it turns out, was born and bred for the current state of the world and its violent outcome. She was well acquainted with the violence required to survive in this world long before it all went to hell.

Nick’s fingers jerked, nearly pushing the button too soon. The image of his mother raising the hammer and slamming it into Troy. It was so quick neither Troy nor Nick had time to react or prevent her from delivering Troy prematurely to his grave.

Troy.

Thinking his name caused shudders to ripple through Nick’s chest. His breath caught, and he clung to the chain link to keep him upright, his finger pressing slightly on the trigger of the detonator. He could hear the voices of the Proctors all around him as they tried to talk him down, but they flowed over him like sound underwater, garbled and hollow.

Nick couldn’t reconcile his memory of Troy’s snarky smile with the utter look of betrayal on his face with the first blow that brought him to his knees. For all of Troy’s faults, and Nick knew there were many, and all the shit Troy’s parents had put him through before the world fell and everything that happened since, he still possessed a small fragment of trusting innocence, and his mother, Madison, had managed to steal that in the last few seconds of his life.

She ruined everything.

Troy had been getting better. Nick was sure of it. Troy had even admitted to him that he had felt fear. One of the strongest emotions there is, and if he was capable of that, who knows what he might have learned to feel and experience with the right guidance and given enough time. Time stolen from them both.

Their friendship had grown to something Nick couldn’t even name in the last few weeks. He didn’t have a name for what he felt for Troy. He only knew that watching Troy die had snapped the last thread of care Nick had. The last string holding him to this world full of wickedness and one that was too violent even for one such as Troy, even with his sociopathic tendencies.

Nick watched as his mother made her escape and he was suddenly and fiercely angry. Why? Why should she get to escape and live when Troy didn’t? Was she really any better than Troy? The answer to that question came quickly and simply. No. Madison had proven time and time again murder and violence were her true companions. Hell, Nick knew she had encouraged Troy to take over the ranch knowing how his mind worked, so why would she be surprised when he refused to give it up for her or anyone else.

This realization more than any other, the clarity of knowledge that his mother had killed Troy for being exactly what she had asked him to be and lashed out in anger at him when he had dared to call her on her own shit. Troy’s last words played on a loop inside his head. “I’d do it again, all of it Madison, and you would too because you understand, and you see things”.

Madison had killed Troy for seeing her for what she really is, and Nick had stood there and done nothing. His anger dissipated. He was blessed again with that numbness of feelings. Void. That’s what he felt and was grateful enough he gave a small smile to his mother who looked up at him one last time with words on her lips he couldn’t make out at this distance. Nick thought of no one else, not even his sister’s well being as he stared at the woman who had taken everything from him.

The trigger clicked in his hand.

As soon as he pushed the button and the shockwave of the first explosion hit, Nick a sudden lucidity of thought burn through him. He didn’t hesitate but ran straight for the steps leading down into the concrete culvert heading down into the depths of the dam as more explosions rocked the ground under his feet.

He would get to Troy. Nick thought he should be with him when deaths icy fingers came for him too.  Nick thought someone might have yelled his name, but he was already racing down the flights of steps as concrete cracked and spewed all around him. He slipped and slid down on his back half a flight and made his feet and kept running. He knew it was stupid, why not just stand and let the dam take him without all the drama but he couldn’t stand the idea of not seeing Troy one more time.

He made the headway and ran straight hoping he was heading in the right direction and relying on his sense of direction to lead him where he wanted to go. It wasn’t easy with the ground continually shaking and his ears nearly bleeding with the pressure of multiple explosions and exposure to decibels no human ears were meant to be exposed to. The air was thick with concrete dust making visibility almost non-existent and breathing even harder.

Nick could hear rushing water getting closer and closer. He didn’t know from which direction it was coming so he just kept running, hoping it wouldn’t come between Troy and him.

After what felt like an eternity but couldn’t be more than a couple of minutes, Nick finally saw the cavern that opened where Troy would be laying. Nick slowed but didn’t stop as he made his way inside. The water was just starting to pour in around the corner and lifting Troy’s lifeless body from the dirt. Nick dashed to him and grabbed him up under the arms and managed to drag him halfway up the incline out of the water. Nick fell back, and Troy’s limp form landed on top of him. Nick sat up and wrapped his arms around Troy tightly, determined to hang on to him if he could when the final rush of water came.

Nick clung to Troy and rocked, as he made shushing noises as much to soothe himself he thought as Troy and waited for the cold dregs of water to suck them both into oblivion. Hands were suddenly on Nick pulling him away from Troy and he started to struggle in earnest.

“No!” Nick shouted in protest as he refused to let go.

“Nick! Nick come on we have to go!” The hands pulled more insistently on him.

The water climbed steadily as Nick clung to Troy and he felt wetness on his face not sure if it was spray or tears but didn’t care either way. He couldn’t let go, but his frozen fingers were being pried apart by hands stronger than his and Troy was slipping away from him in the rapidly rising water.

Nick let out a gut-wrenching wail as he was jerked backwards, and he lost his grip completely. Troy floated with the current and Nick couldn’t take his eyes off him as he was being dragged up the hill and away from the rapids. Nick was just giving in and about to turn to see who was trying to force survival on him when all he wanted to do was find peace with Troy when a movement made him freeze.

Nick planted his feet and stared where Troy’s body was slapping against the wall as the waves rolled over him and he saw it again.

Nick’s breath caught, and he swung wide, his fist connecting with flesh and whoever was pulling on him let him go. He rushed back into the water after Troy. Just as he grabbed him the back wall caved in and a wall of water came crashing down. Nick had time to see Taqa running back toward the opening to a waiting truck, having no choice but to leave them both behind as he ran to save himself.

Nick clung to Troy as the deluge rushed them out and over the hill heading for the road. He was doing everything he could just to keep his and Troy’s heads above the water. He had to, because he knows he wasn’t imagining it, Troy was alive. It was subtle and Nick had nearly missed it, but Troy’s eyes had fluttered..

Nick clung to Troy and life for them both as the water rushed them forward to an unknown future.


	2. Divine Intervention

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I had to do some editing on this chapter, I got a little ahead of myself when I posted so late last night. I was super tired and after reading this am what I posted it was pretty embarrassing. I hope it makes more sense now, especially for those who have already read it, that is if you didn't just shake your heads and walk away to never come back lol. I wouldn't blame you. It was pretty lame. smh

Nick hunkered down next to a rusted-out pinto that may have been bright green at one time but was now a dull puce. Sickly looking like the rest of the whole damn world. The horde of infected he was hiding from shambled slowly past as he clung to the precious bottle of pills he’d spent the last forty-eight hours scrounging up enough fresh infected body parts to take to the Bizarre to sell and earn enough to purchase them.

The last of the dead horde were scraping past on feet mostly bone, the flesh having been torn and rotted away. Nick might have taken the time to wander among them before, but he couldn’t afford to take any chances right now. Troy still needed him. He’d only gained consciousness twice and only for a few minutes each time in the last three days after they’d washed up on a concrete culver nearly two miles from the dam. Since then Nick had done his best to care for Troy with not only limited medical supplies but his own extremely limited knowledge of first aid. Troy’s head wound was severe. Nick was no doctor, but he didn’t need to be to know it was a damn miracle Troy was still breathing.

Nick thought about the last three days and the emergency vet office he had stashed Troy in. He’d found it after bringing Troy through dead infested streets, alternating between carrying and dragging him. Scared every step of the way Troy would stop breathing and turn before he could get him somewhere safe. But he hadn’t. Nick smirked to himself, damn bastard was one tuff son-of-a-bitch. But he’d always known that, hadn’t he?

Nick couldn’t go to the bizarre because they would never let Troy in.  He was exhausted physically and emotionally. After everything that transpired that day they were both bloody and bruised and Nick was at his breaking point when he’d seen the vet sign flash in the afternoon sun. Nick had never been much of a believer but in that moment, he had to think some divine intervention was at play here for either of them to have made it this far. Nick played through the whole thing again letting his mind wander as he waited for the last of the dead to pass.  

Nick couldn’t leave Troy outside alone and had to risk taking him inside and praying they weren’t set upon by infected as soon as they entered the building. That divine intervention held as Nick managed to drag Troy in and get him on a metal exam table without incident. As soon as he settled him Nick dropped to his knees in exhaustion. But he was afraid to close his eyes for fear Troy would die and turn while he slept. He allowed himself ten breaths to rest then managed to pull himself up and perform a cursory search of the place hoping not everything had been picked clean.

Nick searched the few rooms, his fatigue pulled on him with each step he took. Exhausted, he was about to give up the search in favor of collapsing across the three chairs in the waiting room and not caring if Troy turned and ate him so long as he didn’t wake him up in the process. Then Nick noticed a large vent that looked slightly askew. Not really expecting much he pulled the vent away from the wall pulling part of the drywall with it. Inside was a large messenger type bag. Nick pulled it out and looked inside and immediately burst out laughing. Inside the bag were clean sterile bandages, gauze, medical tape, several bottles of saline solution, peroxide, and rubbing alcohol, a couple of suture kits, and four packages of baby wipes. Nick had just found the holy grail of stashes and the best part wasn’t what was inside the bag, but what he found in the vent behind it. Someone had not only been hiding medical supplies but had managed to hide a whole case of bottled purified water.

Nick grabbed two of the bottles of water and the bag and made his way back to Troy.  He had to get the wound cleaned as best he could. The water from the dam had done a pretty good job with most of the debris but he knew the muddy water of the lake would be teaming with bacteria. Nick examined the wound in the fading light and wished for a flashlight. It was ugly. The skin and muscle was ripped open and seeping blood around the tattered edges and Nick was pretty sure the gleam of white he was seeing was the bone of Troy’s skull. Anger filled him again giving him the strength to finish cleaning the wound using the saline and gauze first, grateful Troy was unconscious for this part.

Nick debated between the peroxide and alcohol not sure which would be the better disinfectant. He decided on both but started with the peroxide and watched as it bubbled into a writhing white mass. He poured it on a couple more times wanting to be sure everything was boiled out. He patted it dry with more gauze then he poured plenty of the alcohol on for good measure and let it air dry while he used a few of the baby wipes to clean the area around the wound and the rest of Troy’s face. Nick gingerly touched the faded half-moon scars under Troy’s right eye with his fingertip wondering if the scars his mother inflicted on everyone would ever truly heal. Nick used the tape and covered the wound with a bandage to keep it clean, opting not to use the sutures as he had no idea how to use them anyway, then surveyed his handiwork.

Not bad for a guy who flunked out of health and biology. He’d been too interested in more recreational pursuits to care about his education back then. Man, did that seem like a million years ago. Nick cracked the seal on a bottle of water and carefully lifted Troy’s head at an angle and managed to get a few sips of the water down his throat. Nick watched as Troy’s throat worked instinctively to swallow the fluid. Then Nick chugged several gulps himself. It was getting really dark and hard to see. Nick trudged over to the front and locked the door and checked to see that the back door was already locked. Then he hauled the three waiting room chairs into the exam room with Troy and pushed them together against the wall. They didn’t have arms and were the squared off kind that had some padding on the backs and seats. It wouldn’t be the most comfortable place he’d ever slept, but it wouldn’t be the worst either.

Nick dropped down across the chairs on his side facing Troy, while his feet dangled off the end of the last seat, his head resting on his arm. He had no way to secure Troy to the table and if he died at any point in the night he’d turn, and Nick would probably wake up to a breakfast he didn’t want to participate in, but there was no way around it. He couldn’t keep his eyes open and he sent up another rare prayer that their luck or divine intervention or karma or whatever it was that had gotten them this far held out at least one more night.

Nick fell asleep listening to the shallow but steady breath sounds of the boy next him.

Nick’s eyes cracked open, peeling apart slowly due to the sleep coagulated on his eyelids. His mouth felt like parchment paper and he groaned as he stretched out his stiff muscles. Yeah, most definitely not the most comfortable place he’d ever slept. Suddenly he remembered Troy and jumped up to put his hand on Troy’s chest automatically checking for movement.

Nick watched as the slow, steady rise and fall of his hand announced Troy had made it through the night. Nick noticed that the bandage on his head had turned a brownish red in the middle tinged with a yellowish color. Nick spent a few minutes recleaning and dressing the wound but didn’t like the way Troy’s skin already felt several degree’s warmer against his own. That didn’t bode well for a speedy recovery. Nick managed to get a few more sips of water down Troy by offering encouragement and egging him on to swallow it. Nick grinned as he thought of what Troy would say in return if he were awake. He was sure the pain in his ass would have a snarky comeback, most likely something like “you first”.

Nick drank down the rest of the bottle and looked down at himself. He was going to have to get some clean clothes and something more long term for sleeping. He also needed to try and find some antibiotics for Troy but knew it was a long shot. They were in a small business district and he might be able to find something in the shops close by. He couldn’t risk going far with Troy so vulnerable.

Nick went as quickly as possible into the empty shops around the vet’s office. It didn’t take him long to find a couple of sweaters that were apparently so ugly that no one, not even in the apocalypse had wanted them. Nick wasn’t picky, they were clean and soft even if they did look like striped turds. He’d also found a single pair of black scrub pants that looked like they might fit Troy and his stupidly long legs and a pair of grey sweats for himself.

Nick heard a scuffle around the corner and ducked behind an abandoned truck just in time to see two men chasing another one out of the alley across the street. The two pursuers were wearing Proctor jackets. Nick had no weapon and couldn’t help but feel guilty when they caught up to the guy and proceeded to beat him and then haul him off down the road. Nick waited a couple more minutes to make sure they didn’t swing back around this way. Peeking out, he saw the coast was clear and started back across the street and noticed the man who’d been dragged off had dropped his backpack and the Proctors hadn’t bothered to pick it up before hauling the guy away.

Nick wasn’t a wasteful person and grabbed the pack before sprinting back to the vet office where Troy was waiting. Nick had the horrifying thought what if one of the Proctors had found him while he was gone, but he’d worried for nothing. Troy was right where he’d left him, laying prone on the exam table of the back room.

Nick examined the pack and saw it was a large hikers pack. It had a Molle system and small packs and accessories were attached all over the outside full of things. Cooking supplies, Firestarter, a multi-tool, some more first aid items, and jackpot, a large hunting knife with a rawhide handle and a saw edge on one side stuck in its sheath attached to the outside of the pack. Inside he found several MRE’s, four bottles of water, a change of clothes, and a sleeping bag and wonder of wonders, a blow up pillow.

Nick looked up at Troy and grinned. There was most certainly someone looking out for them. Nick took this as a good sign that Troy was meant to live.

“You hear that Troy, even the powers that be are trying to help save you. That should make you feel special!”

“I’d feel a lot more special if my throat didn’t feel like someone’s tried to remove the first three layers of skin with their fingernails!”

Nick jumped at the scraping gravel that was Troy’s voice, but it was the most beautiful sound he thought he’d ever heard and jumped up to stand over Troy with a giant goofy grin on his face looking down at him, “Hey…” Nick had to clear his own throat, “Hey, glad you’re back.”

Troy looked confused for a second, almost like he didn’t recognize him, and Nick felt a sudden panic, because head wounds, and amnesia, those are real things, but then Troy gave a weak half smile and whispered, “Hey Nicky,” before drifting off again.

Nick came back to himself thinking about that. The only coherent words Troy had said. Yeah, he mumbled a lot and even cried out in his sleep, but nothing Nick was able to make out since. The fever Nick was scared of that first morning had only gotten worse and raged within him like an inferno, and that’s why he’d been forced to chance leaving Troy alone for extended periods of time to come up with the precious antibiotics he now held onto with a death grip.

The dead had passed, and Nick made his way to the vet office hoping the pills would still be potent enough to do the trick. Nick looked up toward the sky before entering the building where Troy lay. _God are you there? If you are, I know I’m probably the last person you want to hear from and I certainly don’t deserve for you to hear me now. Hell, you probably don’t want to hear about the person I’m asking for either, but if you could, even if you just have a sick sense of humor and want to see us tortured some more in this hell you left us in, I’ll take it, but please, can you just… can you help him?_

Nick shook his head. He really had lost it if he thought God, any god, would care what happened to either of them.


	3. Healing Wounds

Chapter 3

     The vet’s office was humid when Nick made it back inside to find Troy as he left him, only his fever was worse, much worse. The layers of Troy’s flesh felt like molten lava under his palm, the area around his full mouth was pale white and drawn, and lavender peppered the tender skin under his eyes. He looked like a member of the infected already. If it wasn’t for the erratic heart beating and his ragged breath Nick would think Troy crossed over while he was gone.

     Nick wasted no time crushing one of the tablets up then mixed it with as small amount of water as he dared. Gripping Troy around the shoulders, Nick hefted his dead weight up and wrapped his arms around him to be able to grip his jaw open with one hand while pouring the mix down his throat.

     “Come on Troy, you have to swallow this, you have to drink it all. That’s it, just a little more.” Nick painstakingly fed the medicine one sip at a time to the still form he was holding, encouraging him with each swallow unsure if he could even hear him. He had to make sure each swallow was down before giving the next sip, so he didn’t risk wasting any of the mixture. By the time it was gone, Nick’s shoulders were on fire from holding Troy up and steady. Nick eased Troy back down to the table with a small groan of his own.

     Nick worked the kink out of his shoulder as he pulled the old bandage off Troy’s head wound. Thankfully it had stopped bleeding and there was only minimal drainage, but he cleaned it and changed the dressing anyway. Nick would give anything for ice right now. He needed to get Toy’s fever down. Nick ran through his options a few times and finally decided the first thing he needed to do was get Troy stripped and hoped the cooler metal of the table would help to draw some of the heat from his skin.

     Worrying about dislodging the fresh bandages, Nick cautiously pulled the shirt over Troy’s head. His skin was just _so_ hot. Nick didn’t know how he didn’t spontaneously combust. Next, he eased Troy’s sweats down over his hips and off. Once he had his clothes off it still didn’t feel like it was enough. So he then debated about using some of their water supply and in the end decided it wouldn’t do any good to have water for Troy to drink if he died from the fever first.

     He grabbed some clean gauze and another bottle of water. Not sure what the best approach would be he just alternated between pouring some water out directly onto Troy and then soaking it up with the gauze as he smoothed the fluid up and down Troy’s fevered flesh. He was methodical about it. Rubbing down each arm, his chest, stomach, but purposely skipping over the intimate areas and trying not to stare because even in a state of near death, Troy was far too appealing to look at with the sheen of his skin from the combination of water and fever. Nick continued down his thighs then calves, and ended on his feet, before grabbing more gauze and starting back at his face and repeating the entire process. Troy’s breathing eventually evened out and he seemed to relax even in his unconscious state. Then Nick coaxed more water down Troy’s throat still trying to keep him hydrated and knowing the fever was probably burning the water out of him as fast or faster than he could put it in.

     Nick spent the next hour alternating between wiping him down and feeding him sips of water until Troy’s skin was closer to a normal body temp even if the fever wasn’t gone entirely. Nick decided he’d leave Troy naked on the slab table except for covering his waist with a shirt, while he tried to get some sleep before he would need to give Troy more of the antibiotics. He lay down on the pallet he’d made with the sleeping bag on top of more clothes he’d found over the last few days to add extra cushion.

     It didn’t take long before his eyes drooped, and Nick was just dozing off when Troy groaned and tried to roll to his left. Nick barely made it to stop him from rolling off the side of the table. The last thing Troy needed was anymore trauma to his head. Nick wasn’t sure there wasn’t already irreparable brain damage. He’d been hopeful on day one when Troy recognized him, but his continued lack of consciousness had not maintained that hope. Well at least he was getting better enough to move on his own and not just mimic a lump on a log and Nick decided the best thing would be to bring Troy down to the pallet with him. He slid an arm under Troy’s shoulders and knees and scooted him off then maneuvered him to the pallet, thankful he didn’t have far to go. Even though Troy had lost weight he was still not easy to handle as dead weight and Nick was running on empty in the strength and energy department.

     Nick lay down next to Troy being careful to keep enough space between them that his own body heat didn’t transfer to Troy. Then rolled to his side and finally gave in to the urge to stare at Troy. He wondered if he was dreaming, Troy’s eyes moved beneath his pale lids while his long lashes left dark shadows on his cheeks. Nick realized his hand had traversed the space between them and was now hovering a few inches from his chest. He gave in to the urge and gently lay his hand on Troy’s chest feeling the beating heart beneath his skin.

     Nick closed his eyes and concentrated on the steady beat, silently willing it to keep going. Nick shuddered imagining the crack of the hammer’s blow again. He would never forget the look Troy gave Madison and moreover he would never forget the crushing feeling inside himself when the second blow had landed. He’d watched as Troy tumbled lifeless to the base of the hill, when only a few minutes before he had been doing his best to convince Daniel not to kill him. He’d grossly miscalculated the depths his mother was willing to go.

     He wanted to be angry but found he was just too tired to muster anything more than a hollow aching inside himself. Troy was alive, for now, and he would do everything in his power to see he stayed that way. If he didn’t, well then, maybe he’d take one last walk among the dead himself. Because really, he was tired, tired of losing people he cared about, tired of fighting, he was just tired. Nick thought he finally understood Troy’s point of view when he’d told Nick he was tired, and Nick had told him he could sleep when he was dead. It’s the kind of tired no amount of sleep would ever fix. Nick dosed then, his hand resting on Troy’s chest, lulled to sleep by the steady rhythm of the heart beating under his palm.

     He wasn’t sure how long he was asleep but knew several hours had passed because the room was mostly dark when his eyes blinked open some time later. He stretched his sore muscles, his shoulder complaining and making him moan slightly.

     “You alright Nicky?”

     Nick’s eyes soared open and even in the dark found the curious gaze of Troy staring back at him.

     “Holy shit, Troy, you’re awake, I wasn’t sure you… I thought… I just didn’t think you were really going to wake… I mean, I hoped but I wasn’t sure…” Nick stopped when Troy put his hand over his mouth.

     “Jesus Nick, give the nearly dead guy in the room a break will ya. Head wound remember, massive headache to go with it.”

     “Oh, sorry, here let me get you something for that.” Nick immediately dropped his voice to a whisper.

     Nick jumped up and grabbed a bottle of water, a packet of aspirin tablets, and another antibiotic pill. He sat down cross legged next to Troy and automatically supported his head as he helped him take the pills and drank some water. He fussed with the pile of clothes under Troy’s head serving as a pillow trying to make him more comfortable, but his hands dropped away suddenly feeling awkward.

     The room remained quiet and Nick looked anxiously at Troy thinking he’d slipped unconscious again but found Troy staring intently at him.

     “How’d we get here?” Troy’s voice was quiet.

     Nick wasn’t sure how to answer that. Wasn’t that the million-dollar question? There were so many things that had transpired to land them in this moment how could either of them quantify any of it. Nick’s mouth worked but nothing came out. Nick started when Troy reached up to him and ran his thumb lightly across his cheek and was mortified to find a cool wetness left in its trail.    

     “Feeling blue Nicky?” Troy grinned crookedly at him reminding Nick of another conversation not so long ago.

     “I… I’m so sorry Troy…”

     “For what? I’m pretty sure you saved my ass… again.”

     “For my mo… Madison… what she did, it… it was wrong on so many levels, and I… I’m just so sorry man… My debt to you, it just keeps piling up doesn’t it?”

     “No Nick, you… you saved _me,_ in so many different ways...” Troy paused and struggled up on his elbows trying to catch Nick’s eyes.

     “Nick, look at me.”

     Nick struggled to look Troy in the eyes and settled with focusing on the quarter moon scar on his cheekbone. Another souvenir from Madison Clarke.

     “Troy, don’t… I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”

     “And I deserve yours?”

     Nick looked him in the eyes then, confusion clouding his expression.

     “What, you can’t have really forgotten everything I’ve done so easily. Taking you and your family hostage, nearly killing you and Travis. Bringing the horde that not only killed everyone I considered family and knew my whole life, but almost killing your sister. Shouldn’t I be the one saying sorry and looking for _your_ forgiveness?”

     “You almost getting Alicia killed isn’t the same as me actually killing your father or causing Jake to get bitten, then you having to watch me chop off his arm that didn’t do any good anyway so you had to put a blade in your own brothers skull.”

     “My father barely tolerated me, was a drunk, and is who I learned my _best_ traits from. You did the world _and_ me a favor in killing him. It got me out from under his influence, so I could stop acting like him just to gain approval that was never going to come. And Jake… Jake was going to kill me, which I deserved, but you stopped him anyway. I’ve done some pretty shitty things since I’ve known you Nicky, and I did plenty more before you came along… It’s only since I’ve known you that started to change, that… I began to feel things, things I thought I was incapable of feeling.”

     Troy eased back down with a grunt, “Sorry Nick, but you don’t own the monopoly on all the angst and suffering.”

     “Like what?”

     “What do you mean like what? I’m tired Nick, can we talk about this another time?”

     Nick started to let it slide but after days of worry and silence he wasn’t quite ready to let Troy drift off again, “No, you said you started to feel things, like what specifically?”

     Troy whispered, “Just things Nicky.”

     Nick started to push but Troy was already drifting and Nick didn’t want to disturb him. He lay down next to Troy facing him while his brain replayed their conversation in his head. It shocked him how self-aware Troy really was. More so than anyone, especially Madison, had ever given him credit for. Maybe he wasn’t a true sociopath but just someone who’d suffered and learned to cope the only way he knew how with no one to teach him any differently.

     Nick found himself gazing at Troy again wondering at all the complexities that made him who he was. Combined with all the violence and anger there was also this bit of child like curiosity and innocence, and underneath all of it a vulnerability that only wanted what everyone wanted. To be accepted and loved unconditionally. Troy had been right, they were alike. Hadn’t Nick spent his life trying to please Madison and live up to her unattainable standards. The inability to do just that is what had set Nick down the path of self-destruction long before the apocalypse.

     Troy rolled to face Nick in his sleep, so they were only a few inches apart now. Nick realized the knuckles of their hands were nearly touching and his breath caught before speeding up slightly making his heart pound. Nick cautiously moved his hand forward so that the backs of their knuckles were just grazing each other.

     Nick looked up and found Troy watching him silently. Heat flooded his cheeks and he tried to pull his hand back, but it was stopped by Troy grabbing it with his and holding on tightly. He didn’t say anything as they stared silently at each other their breaths sounding loud to Nick’s ears and it felt like everything was heightened and intense. Nick breathed shallowly through his mouth suddenly feeling like he wasn’t getting enough oxygen. Then Troy curved his hand so that his fingers laced with Nick’s and then closed his eyes again with a contented sounding sigh. Nick did not fall asleep again for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all are enjoying this so far. I hope I'm do a good job getting across the layers between these two. Let me know what you think in the comments. Thanks so much for continuing to read and stick with me.


	4. Vivid Dreams

     The room felt stifling when Nick first stirred from sleep trying to stretch out his sore muscles, but his movement stopped upon realizing the source of the sweltering heat was Troy. Nick was laying on one of Troy’s arms like a pillow his back to him and Troy had pulled Nick into the curve of his body and now had the other arm and a leg draped over him while his body put off heat waves that radiated through Nick making sweat beads pop on his upper lip.

     Shit… how was he going to extract himself without waking Troy up and embarrassing him. He spent a couple of minutes trying to move at a snail’s pace and scoot his way out, but Troy moaned in his sleep and pulled Nick until he was tucked back in tightly against his long frame. Nick began to wiggle his way out again but stopped short because Troy moaned again at the movement and pressed his hips into Nick’s making him gasp. Nick could feel the hard length of Troy pressed into his backside and he suddenly remembered Troy was naked and the only thing between his dick and Nick’s ass were the threadbare sweats Nick had on, which were riding dangerously low.

     Nick tried to lift Troy’s arm off, but it wouldn’t budge, it was like he had managed to gorilla glue himself to Nick while he slept. Nick not seeing any other way out whispered urgently, “Troy… Troy wake up, we’re all tangleeeaaahhh...” Troy decided at that moment to slide his hand under Nick’s shirt and blazed a hot trail through the fine hairs gathered below Nick’s navel and into the waistband of the sweats. Before Nick could gather a coherent thought, Troy wrapped those blazing long fingers around his dick and gave it a long stroke up pulling a long groan out of Nick as his cock swelled up inside the heat of Troy’s hand.

     “Troy… wai…wait, what are you doing? Troy you still…shhhhiiiitt…”

     Troy’s thumb rolled across the tip with a particularly ambitious stroke making Nick’s hips thrust involuntarily.

     “Troy…” Nick tried one more time but was quickly losing any will to put a stop to whatever was happening right now.

     “Nicky…” The name was half moaned and exhaled into the back of Nick’s neck with a scorching breath, causing him to shiver in response. Troy’s lips pressed into the curve of his neck and Nick felt Troy’s tongue slide over his skin before latching on with enough force he was sure he’d find a bruise there later but didn’t much care right now because Nick’s world narrowed to the fact that Troy Otto’s dick was unexpectedly sliding between his ass cheeks in a dry humping rhythm that matched the pace on his dick. Nick didn’t have a clue how his pants had worked themselves down and didn’t care.

     Nick groaned throwing his head back losing himself in the weight and feel of Troy surrounding him. He was already close, his nuts drawing up close to his body and by the way Troy’s hips were thrusting against him he thought he had to be close too.

     “Troy, ahh, feels… so fucking gooood…” Nick thrusted erratically into Troy’s hand moving so that he pushed up into the tight fist gripping him and grinding backwards to give Troy’s cock more friction. Two more flicks of Troy’s wrist and he was flying. His orgasm poured out of him and over Troy’s fist slicking the motion as Troy continued to pump him as he rutted against him a few more times until he went rigid against Nick’s back and Nick felt the steaming fluid of Troy’s own orgasm spread across his lower back. Troy thrust a few more times almost lazily and then went perfectly still, even his hand around Nick’s dick opened and lay limp.

     Nick took a minute to catch his breath and realized he was going to have to move to clean up the mess they had just made. He chuckled before snarking, “Well good morning to you too.”

     Troy didn’t reply but he didn’t move away either. Nick’s first thought was maybe now that the heat of the moment was over, Troy was regretting what they just did and hoped that wasn’t it. Maybe he was just unsure, Nick had the feeling Troy didn’t have much experience in the sexual escapades department, not that he could tell from what just happened, because holy shit he certainly knew how to give a hand job, but still, it could explain him not knowing what to say or do now.

     More hesitantly, “Troy, hey, it’s alright. We’re alright.”

     Still no response.

     “Troy?”

     Nothing.

     “Troy, seriously, say something man, you’re starting to piss me off.”

     Troy finally responded by moving to hold Nick close and Nick relaxed against him until Troy spoke again, “Nicky,” in that same breathless moaning quality as before and Nick’s stomach dropped.

     He knew then, knew what he should have already realized but had been half asleep and then too turned on to notice. Still trying to deny it Nick ground out one more time, “Troy!”

     No answer.

     Nick shook. He grappled with Troy’s arm around him and had to practically dislocate his own shoulder but managed to pull away and jumped up. He turned as if in slow motion to stare down at Troy. He lay still on his side his face perfectly composed. His skin a burnished rose gold from the fever that had returned in the night and was raging through his body rendering him oblivious to the world and reality around him.

     “Fuck… are you ser… fuck, fuck, fuck…” Mortified, Nick ran his hands through his hair and down his face trying to erase the last half hour from his brain. How the hell had he not figured out what was happening before he let it get that far? _Because you didn’t want to asshole_. Shut up! “FUCK!”

     Nick grabbed up a shirt from the floor and quickly cleaned himself of the evidence of his indiscretion. God what kind of craven animal was he? Nick struggled internally with the situation and moved mechanically. He shuffled over to clean up Troy, removing all the evidence he could then tossed the used shirt in the corner away from their pallet then resituated Troy on his back and covering his waist for modesty. He shook his head at the irony of the gesture.

     Nick sanitized his hands and crushed more aspirin and another antibiotic up to make the slurry he’d feed to Troy. He didn’t have a clue how high the fever was but for Troy to be hot enough to hallucinate through their whole encounter it had to be dangerously high. Next, he used the hunting knife from the backpack to cut up strips of a t-shirt to serve as washcloths then grabbed a couple of bottles of water and the slurry of medicine.

     He eased down next to Troy and repeated the process from the night before, giving him the medicine, then using water and the strips of cloth to rub him down. He didn’t think he’d be able to get him back up on the table, so the floor would have to do. After almost an hour Nick finally flopped down on his side of the pallet satisfied he’d brought the fever down to a less dangerous level. The combination of the aspirin and the water bath working in their favor.

     Nick forced himself not to look at Troy, whose naked form was doing things to his own body he was trying to ignore. Unfortunately, even though his brain understood what had happened his body didn’t seem to get the memo. He’d had to fight off a hard-on more than once while rubbing Troy down. Running his hands over Troy’s lean muscles had made him feel like a fifteen-year-old kid again waking up from a wet dream. Nick’s stomach rumbled bringing him out of his thoughts and reminded him he hadn’t eaten in almost a day.

     Nick grabbed an MRE and the cooking supplies out of the backpack. He sat up the rocket stove and boiled just enough water to add to the MRE pouch then sealed it up to wait the eight minutes required to rehydrate the food. This one was a breakfast scramble that had eggs, sausage, hash browns, onions and peppers. His mouth watered just thinking about it. The only thing that could make it any better was some fresh shredded cheese to throw on top. He really missed cheese.

     Nick sat cross-legged on the floor next to Troy and hazarded a peek in his direction. He was tossing and turning, sleeping fitfully. Nick wondered what he was dreaming about this time and hoped that these vivid dreams of his were a sign he was getting better and not worse. But at least it was infinitely better than the deathly stillness prior to starting Troy on the antibiotics.

     The last bite of food was crossing his lips when Troy cried out startling Nick to the point he choked on the chewed-up lump as it went down. Troy thrashed forcing Nick to quickly grab Troy’s shoulders, but he swung wildly crying out again.

     “Troy!” Nick called his name barely dodging the blow. Bastard seemingly still had plenty of strength in reserve. Damn it, he was going to open his head wound again if he couldn’t get him to calm down. “Troy! Da…ahhh!”

     Nick found himself flipped and pinned down by a naked and wild-eyed Troy. The fever making his eyes glassy and unfocused.

     “Shhh Nicky, be quiet, they’ll fucking eat you if you don’t be quiet!”

     Before Nick could say anything in reply, Troy’s large hand clamped down on his mouth as if to force him to obey his previous command and he kept swinging his head from side to side seeing monsters that weren’t there. Nick tried pulling his hand away to speak but that only seemed to upset him more and Troy pulled some kind of maneuver that ended with Nick wrapped in a chest to chest bear hug of epic proportions, Troy’s arms and legs wrapped around him confining his movement with one hand still clamped tight enough on his jaw he was sure he’d end up with finger shaped bruises on his skin.

     Troy tucked his head down, so his lips were brushing Nick’s ear and started rambling in a frantic whisper, “gotta be quiet… shhh… can’t lose you Nicky… I’ll keep you safe… quiet, like a mouse…”

     Nick struggled but discovered wrestling with Troy was like fighting Chinese finger cuffs, the harder he tried to get away the tighter Troy’s hold became and only served to increase his agitation.

     “shh… don’t’ leave me Nicky… everyone leaves me…”

     It was clear the fear Troy was experiencing was real to him and he was doing his best to save Nick from himself. 

     “shhh… you won’t have to go back, ok, just stay with me…”

     Nick had a moment of clarity, his heart constricting in his chest with guilt, is this what Troy was really feeling that night at the bazaar? Was he reliving the episode among the infected, only this time Nick being privy to his thoughts? Nick had been on a great trip and Troy was internally freaking out thinking he was going to lose Nick.

     Nick purposely let his body go completely limp hoping Troy would look at him. When he finally did Nick wasn’t sure if he was really seeing him now or as he was that night. Troy stared for a couple of minutes at him before he loosened his grip enabling Nick to wrap his arms around Troy and finally pry his fingers from his lips.

     Keeping his voice low and calm, Nick tried soothing Troy, “Hey it’s alright, I’m alright, I’m here, I’m safe, we’re safe, ok, we’re together, I’m not…” Nick’s voice caught and he cleared his throat, “I’m not going anywhere, I’m right here, _with you_.”

     Another moment passed and Troy finally looked at him, his eyes finally seeing him without that staring at the space between atoms expression on his face.

     “Nicky?”

     “Hey.”

     “Wha… what happened?”

     “It’s ok Troy, you were just having a bad dream. Can you let me up now?”

     Troy looked startled to find himself wrapped around Nick like a burrito shell and clumsily extracted himself pulling the sleeping bag over his naked waist his cheeks burning, “Sorry Nick, I… I don’t know what I was… doing.”

     “It’s alright, I just got to get some circulation back in my limbs. Man, you’re a lot stronger than you look, you know that?” Nick stood and shook his arms and legs trying to shake the pins and needles feeling as the rush of blood traveled through starved veins.

     “Nicky?”

     “Yeah Troy?”

     “Did I… did I say, or do anything that upset you?”

     Troy looked upset with himself and Nick wanted to put him at ease, “No Troy, you didn’t do anything to upset me. Just the opposite actually.”

     “Really? What exactly did I do then?” Troy gave him a lopsided grin.

     Nick watched the curve of Troy’s lips turn up in his now familiar smirk and he felt that catch in his chest again. Yeah, no, nothing Troy said had upset him. Because another thing Nick was clear on, he told Troy the truth. He wasn’t going anywhere. No, he would stick with Troy as long as the violent world they lived in would allow it. He’d fight with, next to, and for him.

     Nick cocked a grin, “You said you loved me.”

     “Screw you, I did not!” Troy immediately denied the teasing accusation laughing anxiously, but the rush of color in his cheeks told Nick that maybe he wasn’t so sure he hadn’t said it.

     Nick laughed, “Nah, you didn’t. Here, drink this water, I’ll make you something to eat, you have to be hungry.”

     “Starving actually. Nick?”

     Nick paused in the act of setting more water on to boil to look at Troy who was looking everywhere but at him.

     “I had this dream that… that I… well that we… only I’m not so sure it was a dream. See, I’ve always been a bit of a sleep walker, Jake, he used to find me doing all kinds of things in my sleep. One time he even stopped me from driving my mom’s car, I was only twelve. Are you sure I didn’t, that I didn’t do anything to you and you’re not mad at me for it?”

     Nick held back a snort. “Man, Troy, that’s good info to have, I’ll keep that in mind for future reference. Here, pick one,” Nick held up a couple of MRE’s, “and we’ll talk after breakfast. I think there are some things we both need to discuss.”

     Troy eyed Nick cautiously, “But you aren’t mad at me, right?”

     “No Troy, I’m golden. Now let me make you something to eat and we’ll talk once you have some food in you.” Nick gave him a reassuring smile.

     Troy grinned back, appeased that Nick wasn’t going to abandon him in the immediate future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Troy is on the mend and these two will have lots to figure out in the coming chapter. Let me know your thoughts, I have this thing where I saw Troy as this kicked puppy, he grew up and became an angry dog lashing out, but underneath he was still this puppy just looking for love and acceptance. So if he is softer here than you would think that is where I am coming from... but don't worry, he's still got his snark and once he's recovered I think you'll get to see some more of it when he isn't feeling so vulnerable.


End file.
